but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
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