I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
