This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
