she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
