Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
