At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
