look no pants
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
