FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
