I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
