Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
