I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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