just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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