Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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