the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
