Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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