jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
