I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
