I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
