worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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