You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
