You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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