Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
