I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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