She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
