Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
