She announced her abortion via fbk
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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