wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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