God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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