"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We had sex on a dog bed..
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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