How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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