i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
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What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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