So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
