i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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