i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
