Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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