Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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