Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
