We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
