Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
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I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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