Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
