Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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