we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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