fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
