Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Randomize
