Just fell off a train. Bad.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
