Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
