i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I cut my penus on the lid.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
