I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just want to make out with him forever
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
