The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
