dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
