Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
