I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
