no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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