at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
