probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
