I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
