There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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