dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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