Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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