Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
