Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
