Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
