Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
