just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I want her autograph on my taint
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
