Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
