I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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