maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
