it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
