It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
