seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
